Voice

Before that voice of yours becomes the past
Would you tone it down for once?
I pretended I didn’t see that swirling grudge
As you rushed off past me
Thought I was terribly foolish
To have wished to leave
Without accomplishing anything
The time when as though running away
Would have never left such a big stain
You know, you’re not the only one
To have the intent to kill it off
But here I am, drenched in my own silence
After you threw away your voice elsewhere
I’d rather listen to it all over again.

.

I know exactly how it feels
To be alone, when I’m not completely alone
And I know I’ve always been good at
Deceiving others into thinking I’m completely fine.
Sometimes I don’t even have to try —
After all, they don’t bother finding out the truth.
And clearly when you’re all alone
You could only hear your own thoughts speaking
I’d made up so many unreal conversations in my head
To the point where, at any time, I could trick myself into thinking
All the wrongs in the past, all the hearts that I’ve broken
And the fact that I’ll always be stuck in this cycle
Of falling apart. Unable to go back to what’s real.
Worst of all, I could always reason with myself
That I’m better off alone.
That I’m better off not making anyone else suffer.
I could keep going on and on, talking while listing
The reasons why I can never escape, as long as I’m breathing —
And nobody would reply.

It’s 11:11 PM. (An Excerpt from My Life #1)

I have 32 minutes until the laundry is done, but I guess it’s alright–because to me, time is the water that runs through the spaces of my fingers. And realistically, a waiting that “feels like forever” is downright absurd.

I’m not depressed, but it’s depressing knowing that I’ll be having an important test tomorrow yet I’m completely over it already. And no, it’s definitely not because I was arguing with my loved one through an online messenger and he fell asleep midway an hour ago. Not that it’s killing my cells and nerves that we have yet to arrive at a conclusion, but I suppose he needed the sleep more. But then again, this small room where I live in has so much void ironically, it’s starting to feel depressing.

What’s a good topic to write? Writing isn’t even my occupation, but rather helps me sort the things in my mind. Speaking and voicing the words out don’t work well enough in my case, actually, I think words are a weird communication tool. Their meaning becomes different once I speak them. Thus, I write. And eventually I seek consolation through the searching for synonyms and spelling correction.

I remember my friends back in junior high making wishes at 11:11 AM at school. They claimed it’s a magical time, and your wish will come true. I think it was baloney, but I’d still remember this idea every now and then. Honestly I’d wish for something that could settle my upset stomach right now. On top of it all, sleeping is out of the question tonight–not that it’s a problem, but wishing that my body could cope with this sort of habit works too.

It’s more quiet now. I’m talking about the voices in my head, though, this room has always been silent, which I appreciate aside from not judging my occasional neglect to social or basic humane responsibilities. What am I saying? Oh dear, I wish I could laugh at my pathetic attempt to sound like poetry.

I should check my laundry now.

Hello!

Hi, you can call me cakewielder. This is a simple blog about my life–I like to share my findings on the real world and post them here. Enjoy your stay!

First blog post

“All of the agonizing days on the land have passed

Even though their scars lay dormant in my heart

As my gaze lifted to the sky, all the hurtful words that you had said

Seemed to fall right straight through the cracks in me.

The things that you say have finally not hurt me,

Now that I see what you truly meant to be, my love.”

(Taken from Umiyuri Kaiteitan, a vocaloid song by Hatsune Miku. Translation from Devianart)